The Three Little Pigs (‘Socially Distant Fairy Tales’ version)
Once upon a time there was a mother pig with three little pigs who she feared would give her the coronavirus. They frolicked a bit too much with the neighborhood’s other animals and didn’t always practice adequate social distancing. The mother pig had a compromised immune system, having suffered a collapsed lung while fleeing the Bacon Patrol, so she sent her offspring out into the world to seek their own shelter-in-place.
The first pig was very lazy. He didn’t want to work and built his house out of straw. Then he threaded together some remaining strands, tied them over his mouth and asked, “Do you think this is N95 grade?”
The second pig was not quite as lazy as the first pig but still. He built his house out of sticks, then made a mask from bark. The first two pigs sang, danced and played for the rest of the day.
The third little pig was more patient and resourceful than her brothers and paid close attention to the governor’s daily briefings about the pandemic. She built a house out of bricks, complete with a fine fireplace and chimney. The house looked like it could withstand the strongest winds, and she threw on some solar panels because it was the right thing to do. She obtained an array of surgical-grade masks in different colors and patterns, as well as a face shield. She was all set.
The next day the Big Bad Wolf came along and saw the three little pigs’ houses lined up like a buffet table. He moseyed up to the first one, and the savory aroma of rare pork wafted through the thin straw walls. Suppertime!
He knocked on the door.
“Little pig! Little pig! Let me in! Let me in!” the wolf ordered.
“No! No! No!” the first pig responded. “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin!”
“Then I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow your house down!”
“Then I’ll whap you in the face with a damp dressing gown!” The little pig had no intention of doing this but felt compelled to come up with some sort of response.
The wolf huffed, and he puffed, and he blew the house down. Then he opened his jaws very wide and bolted towards the pig, who took this as a cue to flee to his brother’s house. The second little pig let him inside before the wolf could do any damage.
The wolf assessed the house of sticks and took a big whiff. There were two pork dinners inside!
He knocked on the door.
“Little pigs! Little pigs! Let me in! Let me in!” the wolf ordered.
“No! No! No!” the pigs responded. “Not by the hairs on our chinny chin chins!”
“Then I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow your house down!”
“Then we’ll smear your nose with something nasty and brown!”
The wolf huffed, and he puffed, and he blew the house down. Then he opened his jaws wide and bolted toward both pigs, who split up and dashed toward their sister’s house, serpentining all the way. The third little pig let her brothers enter before the wolf could do any damage.
After so much exertion, the wolf was very hungry, and even through the brick walls, he could smell a feast on the other side. So he licked his chops and knocked on the door.
“Little pigs! Little pigs! Let me in! Let me in!” the wolf ordered.
“No! No! No!” the pigs responded. “Not by the hairs on our chinny chin chins!”
“Then I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow your house down!”
“Then we’ll paint your face till you look like a clown!”
The wolf huffed, and he puffed, and he blew. And he puffed and he huffed, and he blew some more. He huffed and he huffed, and he puffed and he puffed, but that brick house was mighty mighty, and the walls didn’t come crumblin’ down.
“I’m gonna drop through the chimney and eat you all!” the wolf announced.
The pigs lit logs in the fireplace and put on a big pot of water to boil. The wolf glanced up at the smoke threading from the chimney and realized he shouldn’t have warned them ahead of time. Back to Plan A.
He tried huffing and puffing some more, but all that came out of his lungs were gasps and wheezes. He began coughing and couldn’t stop, and he crumpled onto the ground. He felt feverish and realized he no longer could smell pork or anything else.
Oh, no! He had the virus! Soon an ambulance came to carry him away.
The three little pigs sang and danced in celebration. Even in these dark times, there could be delightfully good news!
Alas, the first little pig soon started feeling feverish himself. Turns out that straw walls provide inadequate protection against a virus-laden wolf blowing really hard.
The second little pig joined the first pig wheezing on the floor. His stick walls also had proven no match for the wolf’s germs.
The third little pig’s home was much better insulated, but she’d made the mistake of letting in her two infected brothers when she wasn’t wearing her mask or face shield. Soon she too was feeling awful.
An ambulance transported the three little pigs to the hospital. In the emergency room they were rolled up next to the wolf, who, they were told, had been given the hospital’s last ventilator. So they lay there on gurneys, waiting for help and gasping for breath.
The End
